“You must teach your kids they are special without having them think they are more special than anyone else.”
-Ray Magliozzi, Car Talk

A treatise on the middle path of child-rearing – or, how to help your offspring traverse the razor’s edge of adolescence – with input from Tom and Ray Magliozzi of NPR’s Car Talk.

Tutoring and Beyond

During my years as a professional tutor, I have encountered hundreds of families, each with it’s own nuanced dynamic. Although my role has always been academic, hours of pedagogy inevitably creep beyond the boundaries of the notebook. In short, adolescence can be stressful and confusing – for students as well as parents – and it’s often my job to help ease the tension.

Given my intermediate position between child and parent, I like to think of myself as a semi-permeable membrane capable of both relaying and restricting two-way communication as needed. The fact is, teenagers are biologically incapable of understanding their parents. Although hormone levels that approach those of a ’90s era baseball player can facilitate teenage exploration and wanderlust, this brain chemistry also attenuates the mind’s ability to weigh actions versus their consequences.

The fact is, all teenagers are bound to screw up as they learn to manage their daily lives, and when mishaps occur, teens are hardwired to ignore (and even resent) their parents’ admonishments. I know, because the same thing happened to me when I was in high school – and I, compared to most, was a pretty good kid. Rather than talk about myself, however, I’ll allow my father and uncle’s words to speak for me.

The Path Less Travelled

Before beginning, I should point out that my father and uncle do have some credibility and knowledge in the realm of automobile repair (as expressed on their weekly radio show, NPR’s Car Talk). Although their credentials suggest otherwise, neither Tom nor Ray (my father) has ever shied from expressing a crackpot opinion on education, relationships, daylight savings time, or child-rearing. So interpret this allegory accordingly:

Let me give you one more example from our own family, of some interesting changes in a kid’s life about which parents should be aware. My son Andrew is a great, absolutely wonderful kid. Of course, he undergoes hormonal changes like every other kid does. One night, we were going out to dinner, and he said, “I’m not going with you.” I said, “What are you talking about? Your mother and I discussed this with you an hour ago.” He said, “I’m not going.” I said, “Why not?” To which he answered, “I hate you.”

I refused to leave. My wife, Monique, was outside waiting for us, but I really wanted to hear what was going on. And you know what he said? He said, “I don’t know what it is, Dad, but right now I can’t stand the sight of you. Just the thought of looking at your face and listening to your voice is enough to make me sick, and I know I wouldn’t be able to eat.”

So I asked him, “Well, do you love us?” He said, “I love you more than anything else in the world, but I just can’t look at you right now. There’s something about you and Mom that’s making me sick to my stomach.”

With that Andrew convinced me. There was no motive; he didn’t know what was going on, but we had to leave him alone. So, we left him at home, Monique and I went out to dinner, and when we got home everything was fine. Looking back on it, I remember times in my own life when I hated my parents. Everything they said was either stupid or ignorant, or they embarrassed the hell out of me.

It was all just a normal part of growing up. But a lot of parents wouldn’t accept it as such, and would probably whack their kid into submission. A parenthood training course, however, would teach prospective parents to be ready for things like this, and not to freak out and go ballistic.

Now, speaking of courses, here’s the other thing that’s getting me torqued off when it comes to raising kids:

We teach everyone how to do algebra–can’t we teach them how to be a decent mom or dad?! I mean, c’mon, it just goes to show you how messed up our society is: We make our educators teach our kids how to read, write and do arithmetic, all so they can be, what? Good workers. But, we spend little time teaching them to be good people. Schools should be much more interested in teaching students to be good people. It’s all the more important these days, when there aren’t enough parents paying attention to their kids.
-For the complete article, see: http://www.cartalk.com/content/rant/r-rlast19.html

Despite some exaggeration for narrative effect, my father’s story highlights the important fact that teenagers are hyper-aware of their parents’ presence. Too little AND too much attention elicit a negative reaction. Parents must therefore assume a Buddha-like comportment to maintain that middle path. Although my father gave a great example of a situation where less parenting turned out to be most effective, there are certainly examples of over-parenting. In fact, I have the perfect example in mind. That’s right, Dad, two can play at this blogging game.

My First Automobile

Upon my sixteenth birthday (a tumultuous year for any teen), I initiated the natural dialogue about which car I would prefer to drive. At the time, the Audi TT was the candy-apple chrome vision in my mind’s eye. That car was the coolest thing I’d ever imagined – a preference I rarely neglected to mention to my parents. In any case, when my seventeenth birthday rolled around, my parents solemnly handed me a gift-wrapped box containing a set of keys on an Audi lanyard with instructions to check the garage for the rest of the present.

It’s quite easy to imagine the anticipatory glee I was feeling… as well as my subsequent devastation at encoutering a 1/32nd model car where I’d expected to find a full-size coupe. The hysterical laughter behind me was hardly comforting either, especially as my tear-stained eyes made their way to my actual gift: a 1987 Dodge Colt vista, which would be my car for the next two years.

In a sense, that car, my precious Colt Vista, is a fantastic metaphor for the middle path of parenting. It gave me the independence every adolescent craves – with a hint of humility to temper my teenage hubris. Of course, the gifting process could have done without the excessively cruel humor, which likely caused the very emnity my father redacted from his aforementioned tale. The point is, parenting may seem like a paradox with no proper recourse in times of stress and conflict. Sometimes it’s best to take a hands-on approach; other times, it is best to retreat and save parental energy for another day. In all cases, however, it is best to maintain a cool, level-headed approach and remember that this too shall pass. And, if you happen to have a nationally syndicated radio program, try not to embarrass your children in front of a few million people.